Well. According to my records, the new moon begins tomorrow and I have this final day of month five to post my blog. Transformation continues. Just when I think I will get a respite from change, new information comes and rocks my world. This past month I received many, many messages from my past. Some made me smile, some cry, and all made me listen to my inner being. Last month, I was preparing to remain true to my feelings no matter what others may try to place upon me through expectation or judgment. It was a good lesson. If you have tried to be honest with yourself, it’s okay to reserve your own counsel no matter what the prevailing customs may deem appropriate. I am not important and my presence is not required. Still, seeing images of individuals from one’s past will churn up many feelings. What matters most is that those feelings are acknowledged. Across time there were significant interactions that helped mold who we were to become. Because I listened to others and myself, I am happy that I am still open to change and the inevitable learning outcomes of change.
Here’s hoping next month is a little easier. 🙂
I recently went to hear some live music and realized that I was not making myself understood to the individuals I was trying to interact with at the venue. Language and its use can be so tricky. I wanted to give a compliment and ended up in debate over the merits of some other band which was completely not my intention. I never said the compliment out loud and was very disappointed in myself.
I realized that the listening part of me wasn’t fluid enough. I rehearsed what I wanted to say in my head and when I engaged with another, I became stuck in my rehearsed format rather than flowing with the other’s response. This, I saw, is an art form and it is much better to stay silent than to press forward with what it is that you intended to say. It will most likely be misinterpreted. And what is it that I really want to say anyway? That, in itself, the correct phrasing, the exact meaning, is a dance.
Well, it wasn’t a total loss. I was given gifts of understanding regardless of how I may have tripped over myself. However, my quest is to become a better, more discerning, listener especially when it comes to my own inner guidance. I will strive to provide more representative symbols when choosing my words. And I will open my heart to others as I listen to them.
Thank you, Listening Woman. Ho!
I continue to work on my desire to have power in my life. It unfolds like waves:
Writing and visual art have been crying out to me, begging me to come and play. I found myself reading a writing essay on FB by Elizabeth Eslami: http://carolineleavittville.blogspot.com/2014/05/elizabeth-eslami-author-of-hibernate.html.
Her piece inspired me to consider what was keeping me from delving into topics important to me but have let my fear get in the way. I’ve considered the form: memoir, short fiction, young adult, essay and novel. That list alone made me weep. I thought about writing to Elizabeth but rescinded when I realized that she would just tell me to get to work. That’s exactly what I would say.
At the same time, I knew I could figure this out because I had finally managed to formulate the right questions, a crucial undertaking in any important endeavor. Right? But you still need someone to bounce your ideas off–someone whose mind/intellect you respect. I ended up having a lengthy discussion with my partner about this principle quandary, laying out all of the information that I had been thinking about for years.
I think my main obstacle over the past few years has been to give myself permission to let my writing be whatever it wants to be and forget about what it should be called, as if that were some status in itself. My partner helped me realize that I have a slew of stories that I have been telling these many years. While I knew that, he helped me understand that they were the beginning muse. I didn’t understand his interpretation of muse.
“It’s clay waiting to be sculpted,” he said.
I really liked that image.
When I read this week’s homework I was daunted by the task of coming up with the five tasks to move me toward my desire of personal power. Where does one begin?
I know that there was a marked commencement because I have, in fact, shielded myself from unnecessary distractions. Making a conscience decision to release myself from community involvement projects this year was positive. One of the benefits is being able to do lots more focused thinking.
It’s not that I’m opposed to volunteering for worthwhile causes. It’s just that I’d rather write about them. I want to craft my work into art. I need to block out the world so that I may see and hear what’s coming through the womb space. I’m not going to say that it’s difficult per se, but I will say that it takes intentional dedication. May we take a moment to visualize everything that we have to do in one day? Carving out time for self I find commensurate with twirling many plates in the air while rocking back and forth on a unicycle. And yet, jugglers have mastered this exercise.
I have chosen my priorities gladly: loving family responsiveness and support; health and well-being; aesthetic self-expression. Can this be my list? It may be a bit too broad. Perhaps I need to focus on each one and see where gaps exist. After all, I am prone to laziness. However now, in consideration, I think that my chosen desire is reached well beyond the 18 month time window. Another heyoehkah at work, it looks like I’m in it for the very long duration.
Aligning with the 5th Truth is to Listen With An Open Heart. I’ve got to say that the alignment practice this past week was quite the remarkable experience. My child graduated from college and I took in so many extraordinary and beautiful conversations from both peer group students and their teachers. Our conversations grew relationships because of our mutual and genuinely interest in the other. I especially loved listening to our future generation talk about their interests, hopes and desires. Our world is in for a treat because these wonderful young humans deeply care and are full of passion. It was pure joy.